I fear poverty more than almost any other thing in life. Now that I’ve graduated from college, that fear has only intensified, rather than subsided.

When I was growing up, my family never had enough money. At least, that was how it seemed to me. We were a family of five living in a small apartment while everyone around us seemed to be living in big houses. We didn’t go out to eat like other families did, didn’t buy the same kinds of clothes, didn’t go on trips as often, didn’t have as nice cars, etc. etc. At first it seemed like that was just the way it was supposed to be—we just weren’t allowed to be like other families—but I later learned that the difference between us and them was education. That was the one thing that my caregivers had lacked. My amazing mother had gone to culinary school in Haiti and, while she was brilliant, her education didn’t really amount to much in the US. My stepfather, on the other hand, had gone to university, he but dropped out in a fit of youthful pride and never went back. As a result, both were stuck in dead-end jobs that they hated.

After this realization, I resolved to do everything I could to keep from falling to the same lot. I would go to college and get a degree and get a job and provide for my family. It seemed like a simple enough plan back then, but now that I’ve finished the first two parts—the going to college and getting a degree—I can’t help but feel like I made a huge mistake somewhere along the way, because finding a job that would enable me to make a significant contribution to my household’s finances has thus far proven impossible. I can’t help wondering if that mistake was choosing the wrong career path.

I chose my major at a time when my education was being funded by people who had enough to spare. I knew that I would have to go to grad school and I was okay with that because all it meant to me was an extra two years of being a student. I guess I didn’t realize that right after my sophomore year my life would change and I’d have to stand by, useless, as the person I loved worked night and day at a shitty job to pay for my tuition and my textbooks and my parking passes and my mandatory health insurance. But that’s what happened and we worked through it and now that I’ve graduated, what do I have to show for it? We are drowning in debt from trying to make it through these last two years, we can’t afford to continue my education and my moneymaking prospects are no better than if I hadn’t gone to college at all.

And the worst part of it is that it’s all my fault. I could have majored in anything and I ended up choosing probably the absolute worst major for my situation. I hate myself for screwing us over, for trying and failing to choose a path that would lead me to somewhere better than where I started. I want to go back and pick a different major—something sensible, like Accounting, but that’s clearly impossible. I want to move forward and get my Master’s, but that’s also impossible. I want to get a full-time job to at least help pay off some of our debts but that, most tragically, is also impossible. So, what’s left? Where do I go from here? How do I fix this?